After so many years of therapy, I feel it’s important to speak openly and honestly to benefit our longtime relationship.
First, let me begin by saying thank you if you have ever left anything, no matter how paltry, for me and my reindeer to eat as we go about our work. In fact, we were just getting ready for that work, starting to load up the sleigh with gifts we’ll be delivering soon. It’s important to start early because the reindeer request time-and-a-half after 10 p.m., which is only fair since no one will believe they are my children and therefore they do not qualify for Obamacare. So we were talking and here’s the thing — the reindeer and I do not like fried liver and onions as a Christmas Eve pick-me-up.
Sure, we were tired of milk and sugar cookies, house after house, but have you ever tried liver and onions with a glass of milk? Honestly, it’s vomitacious, which is Latin for unpleasant. We would rather have cookies and milk, though chocolate milk is a healthier choice.
It’s not that we’re overwhelmed with our own importance on Christmas; still, it’s not like there’s another Santa/Reindeer franchise. We own the market. And that’s a huge responsibility, getting all those packages delivered on time to houses with no chimneys so you have to stumble around looking for a way inside, past the dirty dinner dishes, a barking dog, and a grownup passed out on the couch next to a screwdriver and half-eaten bag of Doritos. We persevere, hauling in the presents as quietly as we can, before heading to the kitchen to see what’s up. I’m looking at last year’s list of treats:
— 5,248,761 sugar cookies, store-bought.
— 121,000 bags of Newman’s Own microwave “natural” popcorn.
— 75,422 slices of pepperoni pizza (Great!)
— 422,000 slices of buttered Wonder Bread sprinkled with sugar.
— 27,422 Entennman’s donuts.
— 15,422 bowls of Kibbles. (Seriously?)
–Too many glasses of milk to count.
Again, so nice! However, and notice that I have learned in therapy not to start with the word, “But,” which suggests a negative; however, feel free to expand your Christmas Eve snack horizons the way my pants are expanding. Some suggestions:
Enchiladas; baked stuffed shrimp; lobster-BLT; steak and baked potato; Cobb salad; chocolate-walnut brownies; fondue; macaroni and four cheeses; pork roast with sweet potatoes; skillet cornbread; hot biscuits; pigs in a blanket; chocolate croissants; fish tacos; prime rib with popovers; lemon ricotta pancakes; one pound hot crispy bacon.
Be Good,
Love, Santa
